It’s natural to worry when your college kid isn’t calling or texting home. You wonder what’s going on, and sometimes, your imagination can run wild with concerns. It’s tough, isn’t it? You spend years with your kid, guiding, helping, and teaching them life skills, all building to the moment when they take over and go off on their own "big life adventure". It's so exciting for them, but couldn't they call once in a while so you knew how they were doing? Are they okay? Do they know how worried you are? It takes only a second to send a text!
If the house is feeling quieter without them, and those daily texts or calls from your college kid have seemingly vanished, you might be feeling left out now that they have stepped into their new life of independence. As a therapist and a mom who is getting ready for my own child to fly the nest, I completely understand how hard this can be. I’ve been there, holding my phone, waiting for it to vibrate with a message, but it never does. I track his social media accounts and see general updates there, so at least I know he is okay, but is he sleeping? I have so many questions!
Understanding the Silence
Sending your child off to college is a huge milestone, but it can feel like an even bigger leap when your college kid suddenly stops calling as often. The silence can be unsettling, and it’s easy to worry that something might be wrong—or worse, that they’ve forgotten about you.
But this quietness isn’t necessarily bad news. For many college freshmen, this time is all about exploring their newfound independence. They’re busy navigating daily life on their own, making new friends, and figuring out how to balance schoolwork with social activities. In their excitement to dive into this new world, staying connected with family might not be their top priority. It’s not that they don’t care or don’t want to be involved with you anymore—they’re just caught up in the whirlwind of their new experiences.
As a parent, it’s hard not to feel pushed aside. You’ve been so involved in their life, and suddenly you’re on the sidelines, offering advice only when called on. But this phase is a natural part of growing for both of you – you and your college kid are both on a journey of personal growth during this time. They’re learning how to stand on their own, and you’re learning how to give them the space to do so while also exploring how you will take charge of this stage of your life.
Adjusting to College Life
College is all about learning to balance everything—from academics to social life to self-care. Your child is figuring out how to juggle all these new responsibilities. They might be spending extra time studying for a tough exam or hanging out with new friends and navigating these new connections, which means they’re not always available to chat. It’s not that they don’t want to talk to you; they’re just trying to manage their new life as best they can. By understanding what they’re going through, you can help support them without putting extra pressure on them to communicate more often. Your patience and understanding will go a long way in helping them adjust to college life.
Setting Realistic Expectations
As college freshmen immerse themselves in their new routines, their communication patterns with family naturally shift. Setting realistic expectations about communication frequency can alleviate anxiety for both parents and students. Before your child leaves for college, it’s helpful to decide together how often you’ll check in. This can ease the transition and reduce uncertainty. I wish I’d had that conversation before my own child left—setting those expectations makes everything smoother.
One way to improve communication is by letting your college student lead the conversations. When they feel like they can reach out on their own terms, they’re more likely to open up. If you’re constantly calling or texting, it might feel like pressure, making them retreat more. Instead, let them guide the pace.
When you do reach out, keep your messages light and fun. Share quick updates from home without expecting a long response. Maybe you send a funny picture or a short story. These little touches keep the connection alive without adding pressure.
One of my favorite tricks is ending a message with, “No need to reply, just wanted to say hi!”. It lets them know I’m thinking of them, but there’s no expectation.
Sending short, light messages helps maintain the connection without making them feel guilty for not responding right away. You can share something like, “Saw this and thought of you!”, or a funny family update. These kinds of messages let them know you care while respecting their busy schedule.
When to Be Concerned
While some silence is normal, there are certain signs that should raise concern. As a therapist, I know it’s important to be vigilant for signs that suggest your college freshman might be struggling. Changes in behavior, missing classes, or a complete lack of response could indicate deeper problems that need attention.
Missing Classes: Consistent absence from classes can lead to poor grades and a spiral of embarrassment or anxiety. Prolonged absence could be a sign of deeper issues.
Behavioral Changes: A noticeable change in your child’s behavior or mood can indicate struggles with academic or personal challenges.
Lack of Response: If your child completely stops communicating, this might indicate they’re overwhelmed and in need of support. This is when gentle outreach and offering a safe space for them to talk can be crucial.
Leveraging Support System
As parents, it’s essential to have our own support systems. I’ve learned that leaning on family and friends can help when you’re worried or missing your child. Sharing experiences with other parents can provide comfort and remind you that you’re not alone in this transition.
This stage of life also opens up space for you to focus on your own hobbies and passions. While it’s not always easy to fill the void left by less communication with your child, now’s the time to revisit old interests or try new ones. It’s a great way to cope with the changes and rediscover what makes you happy. Explore activities or events that you might have left unexplored when your kid was young! Have a new adventure – it will give you more to share when you chat!
Attending Parent Events
University events like parent weekends offer a wonderful opportunity to reconnect with your child and see their new world. These events allow you to feel more involved in their college life, while still respecting their independence. Plus, you’ll meet other parents going through similar transitions, which can be a great support.
Summary
In the end, it’s completely normal for college freshmen to communicate less frequently as they embrace their new independence. Understanding the silence, setting realistic expectations, and knowing when to be concerned are key steps for parents navigating this transition. By improving communication, focusing on your own interests, and leaning on support systems, you can make this period easier for both you and your child.
This time of change is a learning experience for both of you. Stay patient, supportive, and open to adjusting your expectations. With these insights, you can create a balanced approach to this new chapter of yours and your child’s life.
If you are ever in need of additional support, our trained clinicians are here for you. Contact us anytime.
Written by Margaret Lorenz, LCSW along with our Founder and Director, Gordon Gooding, LCSW.
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