As summer draws to a close and the new school year approaches, many parents find themselves navigating the challenges of transitioning their children back to the routine of academics, extracurricular activities, and social engagements. In these moments, it's easy to become overwhelmed by the pressure to ensure everything runs smoothly. As parents, we can often be consumed by the immediate tasks in front of us and lose sight of what we are really trying to achieve and bring out in our children. It's crucial to remember the essence of our role as parents: to support, inspire, and nurture our children with compassion and understanding.
Recently, I came across a beautiful piece of writing that resonated deeply with me, both as a parent and as someone dedicated to mental health and well-being. The poem, "Father Forgets" by W. Livingston, featured in a book by Dale Carnegie, serves as a powerful reminder of the impact our actions and words have on our children. Though my own daughters are older now, the lessons embedded in this poem are timeless and relevant for parents at any stage.
Father Forgets
by W. Livingston
Listen Son, I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little hand crumpled under your cheek and blonde curls sticky over your wet forehead. I have broken into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guilty, I came to your bedside.
There are things which I am thinking, son; I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face a mere dab with the towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast, I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. As you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” I frowned and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”.
Then it began all over again late this afternoon. As I came up the road, I spied you down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your socks. I humiliated you before your friends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Socks were expensive, and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that son, from a father.
Do you remember later, when I was reading in the library, how you came timidly, with sort of a hurt look in your eyes? I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption; you hesitated at the door. “What is it that you want?” I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, your small arms tightened with affection that God had set blooming in your heart, which even neglect could not wither. Then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.
Well, Son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, or reprimanding; this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you: it was that I expected too much of you. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
There is so much that was good, fine and true in your character. The little heart of yours was as big as the dawn itself over the hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me goodnight. Nothing else mattered tonight. Son, I have come to your beside in the darkness, I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is a feeble atonement; I know that you would not understand these things which I have told you in the waking hours. Tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, suffer when you suffer and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy–a little boy.”
I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, Son, crumpled and weary in your bed. I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much!
As a parent I can identify with most aspects of this writing. I haven’t always been my best, and as someone pulled in many directions I have lost sight of the big picture from time to time. Fortunately, like the writer did, I have found my way back to what really is important as a father. But don't we all need these reminders from time to time? I know I do.
Here are a few simple takeaways I think we can all learn from this beautiful writing:
1. Embrace Compassion Over Criticism
The father in the poem reflects on his constant criticism and realizes the importance of showing compassion. As parents, it’s easy to fall into the habit of pointing out mistakes and focusing on what our children are doing wrong. However, it's essential to remember that our children, like all of us, thrive on positive reinforcement and understanding.
Instead of immediately criticizing, take a moment to understand the context of their actions. Were they in a rush? Were they distracted by something that might be bothering them? By approaching situations with empathy, we can address the root cause of the issue rather than just the symptoms.
Research on behaviors shows that positive reinforcement is always a more powerful tool than criticism and negative reinforcement. The psychologist B.F. Skinner discovered this years ago, and it has continued to hold true in parenting strategies, cognitive behavioral techniques, mindfulness practices, and many other strategies. We will always “get more flies with honey than with vinegar.” It also feels much better to offer honey to our children than to constantly serve them vinegar and see those sour expressions.
2. Mindset Matters
Shifting our mindset from expecting perfection to understanding and accepting our children's developmental stages can transform our interactions. Recognizing that they are still growing and learning helps us to be more patient and supportive, fostering a healthier environment for them to thrive. So much of our own suffering comes from expecting our young children to act like adults when they aren’t. Socially, physically, and neurologically children are children; expecting them to be full-blown adults before they really are will leave them feeling full of shame, and will leave parents feeling frustrated and disappointed.
By adjusting our expectations to be more realistic, we can reduce the pressure we place on our children and ourselves. This approach encourages a growth mindset, where mistakes are seen as opportunities for learning rather than failures. For example, instead of reprimanding a child for not understanding a homework problem, we can sit with them, explore their thought process, and guide them through finding the solution. This not only helps them academically, but also shows them that their efforts are valued and that persistence is important.
We need to set realistic expectations based on where our children are at. Is our 8-year-old really ready to pack their own lunch, dress themselves, and be ready for the bus on time? Probably not. Can we help them with these things so that they can achieve independence in middle or high school as they mature? Absolutely. There are a million factors to consider. We can set high standards for our children AND help them meet those expectations. But let's not expect perfection when children are learning and growing.
3. Self-Reflection is Essential
Taking time to reflect on our behavior and its impact on our children is vital. In the “Father Forgets” poem, the father's moment of remorse and commitment to change underscores the power of self-awareness. Regular self-reflection allows us to identify patterns in our behavior that might be harmful and allow us to make conscious efforts to change.
Creating a habit of self-reflection can involve setting aside a few minutes each day to think about our interactions with our children. Were we too harsh? Did we take the time to listen to their concerns? How did our mood and stress levels influence our responses? By honestly answering these questions, we can become more attuned to our actions and their effects. Additionally, openly acknowledging our mistakes to our children and apologizing when necessary teaches them humility and the importance of taking responsibility for one’s actions.
As we prepare our children for the upcoming school year, remember that they only grow up once. They need our unwavering support, compassion, guidance, and understanding to navigate the complexities of the modern world. While teaching and correcting them is part of our role as parents, we can do so without resorting to shame or excessive criticism. Remember, parenting isn't about being perfect. However, it does have a lot to do with being present.
At Gooding Wellness, we are here to support you in your parenting journey. Our team of dedicated mental health professionals is available to provide guidance and support, ensuring that both you and your children thrive during this transition and beyond.
Written by our Founder and Director, Gordon Gooding, LCSW
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